Dreams Realized

I barely slept the night before and when I did, I dreamed of being horseback with my girl by my side. I jumped out of bed Sunday morning with a smile on my face and butterflies in my belly - it was the day the dream would come true.

Ok, I admit to being dramatic, but only just a bit. I found a little backyard barn set ideally abutting conservation land. Four stalls are home to 3 horses and one little puff of a pony. Cocoa is her name and teaching kids to ride is her game. And Ella and I are in!

The first day went so well. We groomed, we tacked up, we rode and then cleaned up. She loved it and my heart swelled.

Me, my girl, and a pony....dreams really do come true.

Stay tuned for many more Cocoa updates to come, hopefully with the boys included too :)

 

6 going on 16

Each year I take a short video of my kids....although they are getting longer as they have more to say. Here is 6 year old Ella ...

Here is Ella at 5 and Ella at 4 years old. 

This Moment:: Anything Goes at Auntie Pati's House

Wait Up

 As soon as we hit a trail, she's off. She scampers ahead racing down paths and climbing up rocks. I find myself yelling,

 "Wait up, Ella! Wait up!!"

She has become Ms. Independent, you see, with a fierce streak of competitiveness. It seems all traces of the shy baby who clung to me wherever we went has disappeared. 

And she isn't just racing ahead on the trails. She is in a big rush to grow up. My baby girl is infatuated with older kids, studying their moves, their expressions, and their tastes like an eager understudy. She mimics them all too well...

"Mom, I was like so scared."

 Her little attitude is more 13 year old than 5 year old and it is tough to take. If I hear 

"No, I wasn't!"

 one more time...

 Luckily she is still only 5. And with me all the time. We have cute little conversations and read animal stories at night. I still pick out her clothes and braid her hair. But I see what's coming and I have an idea of where we are heading. 

"Wait up, Ella!! Wait up!" 

This Moment:: 4 Aunt Melissa

Ella: "Aunt Melissa would love me today because I have a roller skate on my shirt and Im an artist."
Me: "Aunt Melissa loves you everyday."

Mama's Girl

 We are doing a Fall clean out over here, and it has turned into something of a walk down memory lane. You never know what you will uncover in the next box! This morning I found my old barbies, doll clothes, and horse back riding trophies. I immediately thought of my daughter. She loves to hear about what I did when I was a little girl.

Having a girl is awesome. I love to pick out her clothes and do her hair. And Im excited by the potential of  having a little girl. The possibilities of shopping trips and getting our nails done. Of late night talks about boys and sharing make-up. Of being with her on her wedding day and when she has her babies. Just like my mom was with me.

I can't wait for her to get home from school today so I can share my treasures with her. I doubt she will play with a barbie, and she has no dolls to dress in the clothes I played with, but it will be fun anyway.  You see she isn't the same girl I was - She would rather play Batman in the bushes and snuggle up to her animals than braid a doll's hair. But I see me in her competitiveness, her inner drive to accomplish something just out of her reach, and the way she cares for other people.

That is the wonder of having my girl. Watching her become her own person, finding the similarities that connect us, and building what I hope will be an awesome relationship for years to come.

ps. I would be remiss to leave out my boys---Of course I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my boys :) xoxo

My Girl

I know my kids. I know them better than anyone. I can tell you exactly what they'll do, when they'll do it and how they will react. I know what to say to calm them down, to encourage them to do something, or to stop whatever they are doing. 

Well, at least I used to. 

That's the hard part about kids growing up. One day you are forced to realize that they are their own people. No matter how much they are like you - they aren't you. They will do things differently and feel differently and think differently. 

And it is beautiful to watch. 

Ella is my girl. She is a lot like me. She is competitive, caring, independent, and can argue like a lawyer. But she is different too. And more than any of my other kids, she surprises me. 

Most nights when I think back on the day, I am in total awe of her.  I wonder how our relationship will grow and change, a momma and her only girl.

She was scared to go to Kindergarten, I know she was. But she never cried, not a tear the night before, not a sob into my shoulder while she was getting dressed, and not even a quiver of the lip as she climbed the steps onto the bus. To say that I was shocked is an understatement. 

I guessed wrong and she showed me. I know it won't be the last time. 

And I learned a lesson, I won't underestimate her again. 

It was another day I was filled to the tippity top with pride and awe and wonder of my girl.

Then & Now

Yesterday::

 And Today::

That is how it happened, and that is how Ill remember it. One day they were little babies and the next off to Kindergarten. 

Sometimes I think it is easier to be the one who leaves. Ella and Drew are in school, busy, playing, laughing, meeting new friends. Mike is at a new job, figuring it out, learning, making new friends. 

And here I am, sick to my stomach. Wondering. Waiting. Are they ok?

Im sure they are, but I would feel better if I could see them. 

Maybe we will go peek in some windows....what else are we going to do?! 

Here we go...

Ella:: Mom, can I have one of those bathing suits McKenzie has? The one that looks like underwear and then the other part looks like the thing you wear when you're feeding Colby?

Me:: A bikini?

Ella:: Yeah, that. Can I have one?

The conversation kept going, but my chest tightened and I immediately saw the road ahead of Ella and I. The one where she grows up despite my best efforts to keep her my little girl forever. I don't want her to know what a bikini is, never mind want one. And Im well aware that my ignoring conversations, or avoiding teaching moments isn't helping her...or keeping her little. Exhibit B::

Ella:: Oh, they look like those things you have. You know the things that kind of pop out when you feed Colby?

Me (after mentally forcing myself to not change the conversation):: Ella, those are called Boobies or Breasts.

Ella (as she rolls her eyes on the way out of the room):: I know that Mom.

Im a little sad tonight thinking about how my little girl is going to change and grow. Leaving her braids behind for makeup and heels. But Im a little excited too...looking forward to talking as friends...if I do it right :)

Wish us luck!

First & Last

 I may or may not be a little teary just looking at these pictures. 

Don't judge. 

Ella and Drew finished preschool yesterday. It was such an awesome experience for all of us. They were cared for, felt special and made new friends. 

I am in denial. They will not be going to public school next year...the land of mean teachers and meaner kids. No. Nope. 

They will return to preschool next year. And the year after that. And the one after that. 

Overcome

 She stood at the plate last Saturday her body frozen, her tear filled eyes locked on mine, oblivious to the coaches and other parents cheering. "You can do it, Ella!! Just Swing!" I yelled as she stood as still as a statue the only movement the tears that now spilled down her cheeks. She didn't swing. I was surprised because she had been all smiles in the other games, but I wasn't surprised because, well, it was Ella. Finally her Daddy rushed in to save her, just as a Daddy should. He wrapped his strong hands around her miniature ones and they swung the bat together. She ran the bases like a pro.

 We talked through the fence. She was committed to playing and wanted to try again. The next inning she got up to bat and we all played out the agonizing scene again. As she came across home plate I scooped her up and we sat on the grass. My heart in my throat I gave her the out. "You don't have to play" I said. "But I love Tball!" she answered back choking on tears still lodged in her throat. Luckily the game was over before we finished our conversation. As happy as I was that it was over, I knew leaving that day without getting back on the horse was a mistake.  My little girl with the big feelings would torture herself with the memories of this day, building up her fear every night as she laid in bed.

 We talked it out that night until we figured out the source of the problem, but we both knew it didn't matter anymore. The new experience of failing at bat, of standing there crying while parents cheered and yelled was worse.

So I made a plan. We would practice. We would learn affirmations. We would remember all the positive at bats she had. We would bribe with lemonade and ice cream. My girl could do this, I knew she could and she convinced me she wanted to play.

It worked. Our practice and plans and bribes, combined with a patient calming coach was just what she needed.  She stepped up to bat, her eyes locked on mine, tears brimming ready to fall. Then she swung, hit, and ran smiling to first base. I turned to the mom next to me, tears in my eyes and said, "I can't take this, and it's only tball!" She looked back and took off her sunglasses, tears streaming down her face, "me either."

Frick & Frack make a Match

She has just one Daddy, he has just one little girl. And it is as if with every step, every little conversation, every hug - they know it. She basks in his attention. He gets wrapped tighter and tighter around her finger and loves it.

He is a little quiet, she a little crazy, but she brings out the silly in him, like no one else can. It is something to watch, this mismatched pair who are so obviously meant for each other.

Banana Phone

Ella was using a banana as a phone today at the zoo. This is her conversation:

"Hi. What are you doing?"

"Wait a minute. OK, go ahead."
"Yeah, yeah. We are at the zoo. Its a beautiful day."

"I don't know what you are talking about!"

"Talk to you later. Bye!"

This coupled with the fact that I went over my minutes on my cell phone bill, lends me to believe I am on the phone a tad too much.

Name this Beast

At the pumpkin patch/farm/store/petting zoo - this animal was the only one that would eat the crackers provided by the farm. But he/she/it didn't just eat them, it sucked them into it's mouth whole. It looked exactly like a living, albeit hairy, ATM machine. Ella and Drew loved it and I was laughing too hard to be horrified that my gorgeous children were dangerously close to this nasty beast!

Im over here!!

After several weeks, today was the first time Ella and Drew didn't look for me during their little class. I sat in the waiting room chatting and playing with Tyler waiting for them to appear any minute. They never came. As other mothers went in and came back out they reported that they were doing well. I was proud for about a second and then I wanted to stand in the doorway and yell, "Hello! Ella! Drew! Im over here!! Do you need me?! Are you having fun? Did you say please?" I still feel weird. Good god - how am I going to handle kindergarten?!

Torture Ride

Ella and Drew have lots of fears. They can't verbalize them yet, but we can tell by the screaming and crying. We used to comfort them and would never push them to do something they didn't want to do. But now we know better. I just can't let them miss any more fun stuff. So, I forced them on the carousel, now they love it. I made them hold the little stick for the birds to eat at the zoo. "Daddy, I freaked out!" they reported that day. This week we tortured them by planning a hay ride. They started crying while approaching the menacing tractor pulling that frightening hay. By the time we climbed onto the hay they both were screaming with snot and tears all over their faces. They were clutching Mike and I as if we were about to throw them from a cliff. The people already seated were looking at us as with a mix of humor, annoyance, and disbelief. After a solid five minutes of waiting, screaming, begging, and choking the tractor finally started up. We hadn't moved 10 feet when Drew exclaimed, "It's like a train ride! I like it mommy!" Ella soon followed with an "I LOVE it!" Little pains in the A^&%%es!

Jersey Kids take on a Classic

Finkle, Finkle Little Star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a DINER in the sky
Finkle, Finkle little star
How I wonder what you are

I know, I know, this calls for a video. Ill work on it!

Ella is a Trip

Recent Quotes:

"No, Drew daddy doesn't take that bus to work. You silly boy." - if I didn't know better I would have thought a NYC society woman with a cigarette dangling from her outstretched arm was in my backseat.

"Im not joking. I want applesauce."

"Where's T-Bone?" - referring to Tyler

Marketing Geniuses

Ella loves Cinderella. Funny thing is she has never seen a book, or the movie, or Cinderella herself. Her only knowledge of her is the image she sees on everything from her diapers, to stickers, juice cartons, and underwear. These marketing people really know what they are doing. Today she was on the verge of a meltdown at Marshalls because she couldn't get a hideous Cinderella boot on her foot. By the way, Cinderella's image is usually with a few others like Snow White and the Little Mermaid, but Ella pays no mind to the brunette and red head. She knows already that blonds really do have more fun!

I don't wanna grow up!

First it was the cribs. Then the diapers. Now it is the pacifiers, or as we affectionately call them, Nips. The dentist gave us the final push we needed to let go of our beloved nips. They both came home from the hospital with one in their mouth. At 10 months I banned them to the cribs and car seats, and that is where they have been ever since. But, it was time. Or maybe it wasn't...
We were discussing what to do with the nips on Sunday when Ella stood up and said "Im throwing my nippies in the garbage, mom." And she got up, marched downstairs and threw three of them in the trash. Drew followed right behind her. I was shocked, but tried not to make a huge deal out of it. I went upstairs to check on Tyler and as I came down there were Ella and Drew climbing upstairs with their nips. I think there was spaghetti sauce on them - gross!! So, we sat down for another talk. Ella again threw them in the garbage, Drew cried. He eventually plopped them in, we all tied up the bag together and brought it outside to the barrel. I would have wagered my right arm that Drew would be crying all through nap and at night. But, surprisingly the little tough guy went right to bed and has slept like a trooper ever since. On the other hand, my little drama queen as been crying, gagging, screaming, choking, and begging for the last 3 days. It is torture for all of us. I want to give them back so badly. I feel horrible for her. It is such a terrible feeling to watch your baby be so upset, especially when you know how to comfort her, but can't. Torture!!
A different kind of torture all together are car trips. Good lord! The singing! The questions! The non-stop chatter! Mike declared after our first 10 minute car ride, "Id rather pay for braces!"