Alone...at last?

In the last 6 years I have left my kids very seldom. Maybe once a month, or sometimes less (wow, my social life is sad!). Usually if I was going out at night I would first give them dinner, put on their PJs and sometimes even put them to bed before I left. 
I didn't miss much.

In the last 6 weeks, I have missed a lot. A lot to us is several times a week. I have missed dinners, bedtimes and reading stories. And at other times I have been out with just one or two of my littles...Im not getting used to it yet. I feel the need to explain to everyone I pass that I have 4 children.

It doesn't feel relaxing, actually I constantly feel like I am forgetting something.

And although bedtime isn't my favorite part of the day - I miss it. And I feel guilty.

We have been talking to the kids about my going to work - part time. Drew has asked me a bunch of times who will watch them while I work. I cringe every time and my heart seizes with guilt. Once while passing a daycare he asked if he would have to go -it was like a dagger, I tell ya!

There are times when I long for the way things were, me & my babies together all day. There are times when I am so excited for the days to come - so many exciting changes! A life that feels my own! A break from the monotony of daily routine!

Im lucky that I have had the days I have had and the choices that are now before me. I take neither for granted - the time with them or the time away.