It doesn't happen overnight. You don't go to bed one night as happy as a Lark and then wake up miserable. No, it is a gradual build up of little things that just aren't quite right. And don't get me wrong, Im the master of looking on the bright side. In a funk, I do as my mother always taught me and I change the channel. I think of all the amazing things in my life. I gain perspective and it feels good. But, this time, way down deep was the feeling, the knowing, that our life wasn't what I wanted.
And in a twisted sort of way I was lucky, because my husband felt the exact same way. So, although the feeling of being in a quicksand pit of unhappiness didn't arrive overnight, our decision to do something about it sort of did.
Mike hated his job. It made him miserable. It sucked the energy out of him like a Hoover set to turbo - all he wanted was to enjoy our kids, and me, and life - but once he finished a job that he despised and the commute from Hell, he was drained. Nothing left.
I didn't want an unhappy and exhausted husband. And I didn't want to be where we were. I wanted more for my kids. To play outside with space, with woods, with bike rides whenever they wanted. I dreaded the school they were entering, big time. I told myself it would be ok, but really I wanted to grab them and run. I wanted my family. My 2 grandmothers, my parents....I wanted out.
The miserableness, the stuck feeling, the helplessness piled up and hit us like a mack truck one weekend. We cried and felt sorry for ourselves. How could we move to more space if it meant a longer commute? How could we move to Mass if it meant quitting a good job and moving to no job? We went to bed defeated wondering how to build the life we wanted, the one that seemed impossible to attain.
Part 2 to come.....
ps. Happy Birthday to my adorable baby Colby today!! I can't write a birthday post with no pictures, but as soon as I get my own computer back I will honor his birthday blog style :) xoxo Baby boy!