2 AM. My eyes shifted from the clock to the white ceiling and I squirmed under the blanket of sadness that spread from my toes to my nose. I knew we were both unhappy, but the thought of us living unhappily was the worst part of all. I don't live unhappy - I make my life happy.
But this time I didn't think I could. The only option I saw was to go back to work. To free my husband from the breadwinner role so that he could follow his dreams...or at least have a moment to figure out what those dreams were. And then we could move away from the city and we would all be happier. But, the thought of going to work knocked the wind out of me. No one was going to raise my babies but me. And the tears started again.
And then I stopped. I stopped wallowing in the "poor me." I stopped feeling bad and hopeless and defeated. I remembered that I have always done exactly what I wanted. That a happy, fulfilling life was there for the taking and no one was just going to hand it to us.
I stopped wallowing and started planning. We have a purpose - to enjoy each other, our family, and to raise our kids the best we can. Simple. Now it was time to pattern our life for that purpose. To live a purposeful life. I spent the next hour or so thinking about just what we needed, what we wanted, and what we could do without. We would no longer be dragged along behind a life we didn't want - we would be taking back the steering wheel.
I didn't plan for perfect, I planned for hope. The hope that with change we would be happier.
The heavy blanket of sadness gone, I fell asleep giddy with the anticipation of sharing my nighttime revelations with Mike.
are you bored yet? there is more to come tomorrow...